I’m convinced that most people today conflate the concept of manners and respect, and I do not believe that the two are the same. The Oxford online dictionary defines manners as “a person’s outward bearing or way of behaving toward others.” Think of it like saying “please” and “thank you,” “yes ma’am” or “no sir,” or writing a thank you note for the wedding gift your friend gave you. Manners are outward oriented. They are behaviors. Think of Eddie Haskell from the old television series “Leave it to Beaver.” He was the teenage friend of Wally, who, when he came over to the Cleaver household, was super polite to the parents, but as soon as they weren’t around he was a big jerk.
Respect is defined as “Esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person; the condition of being esteemed or honored; to favor.” This is an inward attitude that values and honors others. In day to day life, this plays out in a variety of seemingly mundane ways.
When you return your shopping cart to the corral instead of leaving it loose in the parking lot, you are showing respect for others and their property. A rogue shopping cart could roll into someone’s parked car and damage it. Taking just a few extra seconds to walk it to the corral can potentially save someone hundreds of dollars in repair bills.
When you leave the table at a restaurant after your meal, you show respect by pushing in your chair and cleaning up any excessive messes you or your children have made. Did your kids leave twenty napkins on the floor? Make them pick those up. Did you drop your silverware? Pick it up. This shows respect for the person who is going to have to clean up after you in that you are helping to make his or her job just a little bit easier. Pushing your chair in shows respect to other restaurant patrons because you are keeping pathways clear and avoiding possible tripping hazards.
Now, here is where I’m going to step on some toes, but it has to be said. When you are at church talking with friends after the service and your children are running up and down the aisles and climbing on the pews, you are not showing respect to others. Your child could accidentally run into an elderly person, potentially causing harm. Your child could knock over a chair and spill the leftover communion juice, thereby staining the carpet or damaging the chair. Those will both cost the church money to fix. They could also cause the chair to fall on another child who is also playing and injure him or her.
I have had young children. I understand the difficulty this presents. You really want to catch up with your friend or maybe you haven’t even had a real adult conversation in days. Here is where the concept of respect comes into play. I humbly suggest to you that if your children will not sit in the pew and wait while you speak, you need to call that friend and have that conversation later. This means that you are valuing others above your immediate perceived need of talking to your friends after church. That is showing respect to those around you and to the church property.
“When you return your shopping cart to the corral instead of leaving it lose in the parking lot, you are showing respect for others and their property.”
When my children were younger, we took a parenting class that proposed the idea of training your children to wait. Afterall, waiting is a big part of life. We wait in the grocery store check-out line, we wait at the doctor’s office, we wait for the bus, we wait in the pick up line at school or the airport. Unfortunately, in today’s world, even most adults no longer know how to wait. We pull out our cell phones to amuse ourselves. Thus our children either play on a device or they run around with their uncontrolled energy flying out everywhere while we ignore them because we are immersed in our devices. Perhaps we all need to practice waiting. The benefits of that could become a whole other blog post.
A very easy way for parents to prepare in advance for these moments to show respect is to carry with them things to occupy their children. Of course it’s difficult for children to wait. They have far more energy than we do and much less social inhibition. It may sound old-fashioned, but having a bag filled with books, quiet toys, or snacks is still a great way to keep young children busy and quiet in moments when they must wait. So is talking with them. We can put down our cell phones and play a waiting game like “I Spy” with our kids. We have to stop saying things like, “They’re just kids. They can’t be expected to sit still.” Well, actually, they can. It just takes practice and discipline. It simply means we sacrifice some of our own momentary conveniences and pleasures in order to train them to do so. And when we are teaching them to wait quietly, we tell them why we are doing so; we tell them we’re showing respect to those around us.
Let me invite you to think about the concept of respect and to look for ways you can show respect to others in your everyday life. For Christians, this is a way to obey God and to live out our faith. The Bible has much to say about honoring and respecting others.
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. (1 Corinthians 10:24)
We live in a society that is so self-centered; we take hundreds of selfies and post social media updates about our child’s latest accomplishments or our awesome family vacation. Let’s determine to increase the ways in which we show respect for others. In fact, let’s try to live out Romans 12:10 the way the ESV translates it: “Outdo one another in showing honor.” Let’s not simply have good manners; let’s show some respect.
